Posts Tagged ‘funny’

“I didn’t go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity.”

~From God in the Dock

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The Atheist and the Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods.

“What majestic trees!”

“What powerful rivers!”

“What beautiful animals!”

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a seven-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was still.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the Voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear made the sign of the Cross, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

“Lord, bless this food and bless the hands that made it, in the name of the Father, and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen!”

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I found this little treasure here:

http://thehandmaid.wordpress.com/2012/01/23/holy-orthodoxy-bears/

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Trying to Fit In…

I found this sweet photo on Simply Orthodox ☦

See the little black and blue bird on the end?  Well, I can identify with this fellow.  This happens to me all the time.  Whenever I try to fit in with the gang, it never works…

 

So, you’ll just have to deal with it…

Love,  Sister Olive

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(The Iris Diaries)

“Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” (Matthew 4:19)

I had seen him before. On the way into McDonald’s he had approached my son and asked him for a hamburger to eat.  With some hesitation, I had bought him a burger and fries and sent my son to his table outside to deliver it to him.

“Why don’t you take it to him, Mom?” he asked me.

“Because I feel uncomfortable about it” I said.  My son carried the brown tray to the man and came back inside.  He said he overheard a man walk by and call him “Catfish”.

But on this day, Catfish came inside and wandered in a large loop around the restaurant without ordering any food at the counter.  As he passed me, I handed him a dollar. He wobbled to a stop and looked at me with fierce squinting blue eyes, and he almost fell forward. I realized he was drunk and I felt terribly naïve.  “It must be destiny!” he bellowed, tucking his straw-like hair under his ball cap.  He swerved to the left and staggered toward the counter, when I noticed he was digging in his jean pockets for change.  I remembered that the cheapest item on the menu was one dollar, and he would need change for tax, so I stood up to hand him one more dollar.  I didn’t know what else to do, because he would not have been able to eat otherwise.

After ordering a sandwich of some kind, he plopped on the chair at the table nearest to me and took off the wrapper. With a voice like Yosemite Sam, he leaned toward my table and yelled “What’s yer name?”

“Iris,” I replied softly.

“I’m Reverend Catfish,” he growled much too loudly.

“Nice to meet you, Catfish.”
“Ah said Rev-er-end Catfish!  From Meridian, Miss-iss-ipp-i.  I’ve married people out on them boats and everythang.”

“Really?” I asked sheepishly.

“Er you married?” he asked in a low growl with a grin on his face.

“Yes,” I answered firmly.

“Darn!  All of the good ‘uns are taken” he shouted, snapping his hairy fingers.

“What nationality er you?” he bellowed.

“Irish and Cherokee,” I replied.

“Wull, we have a lot in common!  I’m the same thang-  Arrish and Cher-o-kee!” He punched his chest with one burly fist.

I noticed a tall man with glasses getting up from the booth he was sitting in and moving to a table closer to me.  I knew he was trying to keep an eye on me, and he was watching the situation.  I was grateful for this.

“Well I know all o’ my parts is workin’ on me, and all o’ yer parts is workin’, or you wouldn’t be married,” he said laughing boisterously.  I looked down at my coffee cup, and he got up to get something from the counter.

“Hey James!” he bellowed to a stocky black man behind the counter.

“Yo, Catfish, what’s up?” asked the worker calmly.

“Ah’m talkin’ to a beautiful woman!  What er you doin’?” he said with a loud slurring sound.  He staggered back with some packets of catsup.

“Do you have any children?” I asked.

He looked into my face intensely with a mischievous expression and growled, “Yer lookin’ at a hound dog!  Ah’ve got nine dawters and five gran-dawters!  I’ve brought fourteen bee-utiful women into this world!”

The man who had moved to a closer table got up and walked by slowly, glaring at Catfish as he went, but the drunken man did not seem to notice.  Suddenly Catfish moved his chair next to me and his shoulder touched mine, and he smiled, and I shot up from my chair ever so politely, saying “Have a great day.  It was nice meeting you.”

“Ah like you!” he rumbled.

I quickly stepped to the trash can to throw some napkins in, and he was waving for me to come close.  “I wanna tell you sumthin.” He curled his finger and smiled flirtatiously, and I told him I was in a hurry.

He shouted, “You tell yer husban’ that if he aint good to you, ah’m gonna be the next one in line!” I shook my head and laughed and bolted out of there.

My son had a hearty laugh when I told him the story, then he advised me to stay away from there for awhile until Catfish disappeared. He reminded me that my style of ministry does not work with everyone.

OLIVE TWIST ©2012

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